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Happy Heavenly Birthday Jack

September 11, 2018

There it was...that little pink + sign.  We had been trying for 9 months.  9 - signs and now finally a +.  'Jack' is what we affectionately called him.  We were overjoyed!  We immediately went to work on picking out cute little onesies and planning our life as a family of 6.  Yes, 6.  We already had 3 beautiful daughters and were feeling so blessed to have another baby on the way.  

Fast forward to week 10.  We went for our ultrasound check up.  'Please tell me there's only 1' I said to my doctor.  (hindsight says I would have given anything for any number of babies in there).  'There's only 1' he tells me.  Relieved, I looked at the screen expecting to see that adorable little flutter of a heartbeat.   "The baby looks smaller than it should be" he says.  I froze...were my dates off?  Was something wrong?  He keeps exploring the ultrasound.  My husband's grip tightening on mine.  Then he says it..."yep, there is no heartbeat.  The baby has died."  My whole body went limp.  What?!  How could this be happening?  We have waited for what feels like forever for this baby (granted I realize that 9 months is much less time than many couples try).  How could our baby be dead?  

The doctor looks at us, crushed by his news.  "I'll give you some time...come find when when you're ready."  He wipes the gel off my tummy, turns off the screen and walks out.  I crumble into my husband's arms.  Here we had come today.  Expecting to hear how perfect our baby was doing.  I hadn't been feeling sick, but I just figured that it was a boy so things were different.  Now I know why.  Our baby had died weeks earlier.  I had been carrying our deceased baby for weeks without knowing.  

Finally, we pulled ourselves together and went to find the doctor.  Wandering the halls, bawling our eyes out, we couldn't find him anywhere.  Finally a very kind nurse shuffled us into a room and told us she would find him for us.  When he finally showed up in the room, he looks at us and says...'So what do you want to do about this?'  WHAT?!  You just told us our baby died and you want us to make this decision right now?!  I didn't even know what 'options' we had!  He tells us our options and gives me his pager number, and leaves.  We walk out of the office, our lives forever changed.  

Miscarriage is so often hidden.  'You never even knew that baby.'  'There never was a child.'  'How can you possibly be attached to someone you've never met.'  Those are all things we heard from that day forward.  Well...you never know until it happens to you.  'Jack' was our baby.  Our son.  We never did find out if it was a boy or a girl, but we knew all along it was our 'Jack'.  Jack would be 6 today.  

 

Represented in my tattoo, Jack is now a twinkle in our eyes.

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